I used to think that everything happened for a reason, and I’ve always gone through life looking for the good in bad situations. This was no different—I guess I was just searching for any kind of indication that there was some sort of cosmic meaning or lesson to this terrible thing that I had gone through.
I don’t feel that way anymore though; what happened to me was senseless and unfair and awful, and most of all, it never should have happened in the first place.
But it did, and the fact that I refuse to assign reason to what happened won’t stop me from finding meaning in everything afterward. I have grown so much and found strength and resilience through survival, even when that felt impossible.
When the memories and emotions of this experience felt entirely too heavy to carry, like I was barely strong enough to do it right now and certainly couldn’t do it forever, I continued on anyway. When it felt so dark and hopeless that I couldn’t imagine ever seeing a way out, I survived day after day until I got to the light at the end of the tunnel.
These things didn’t happen because of what he did to me; they happened because I made them happen. Through this hardship, I have found light, joy, gratitude, and compassion, but that’s not thanks to him; it’s thanks to me.
I remember doing lifespan integration for the first time, after a period of time that I had been doing really well. I told my therapist that it felt like I was closing the chapter to the whole thing, and I just felt so happy, thankful, proud of myself, and optimistic for the future.
She said something about how she thought it was fascinating that not only was I feeling these wonderful things in spite of what happened, I was feeling them because of what happened and the fact that through all of the times I thought I wasn’t strong enough to get there, I was finally on the other side. (I wasn’t, but that’s a story for another post)
I sat with that for a while though. For me, when things get really dark and it feels like there is just no meaning at all, I can usually always find it in the hope for a better future that comes from getting back up on the saddle to continue on my journey of healing.
I find it in making it to the light at the end of the tunnel again, and again and again for however many times it takes. I find it in the fact that some of the purest happiness I have ever felt came from feeling it for the first time after so long of thinking that I never would again.
So while there may not be any sense or meaning to what happened, when I really look, it’s pretty easy to find meaning everywhere else.
Thank you for being here. If this post resonated with you, I’d love for you to share your thoughts or connect with me-your voice matters too.
And if you’re reading this, thank you and hi!! As someone who is technologically challenged, creating this website took an embarrassing amount of tears and almost giving up so I am beyond ecstatic to have just finished my first post. I am so excited to keep writing and I really hope that you enjoy it! 😀
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