After my trauma, I never really thought of myself as a survivor.
It’s not lost on me that I easily could have died that night (and that I am beyond lucky to be home and safe). But just because I could have, doesn’t mean I almost did or anything, right?
So I guess you could say I ‘survived’ it, but really I just lived through something that anyone would have lived through.
The Shift in Perspective
This all changed for me a couple months after my assault. I was writing a letter to the version of myself that was sitting in the resort lobby after-crying, alone, afraid, and in shock. This letter was an important step in my healing journey, and it changed a lot of things for me.
I was still was struggling through a lot of denial, so the letter was an attempt to validate, believe, and comfort that version of myself. And when I did, when I validated her pain, suddenly I saw my journey through a lens of compassion and understanding.
For a long time, I really struggled with the expectation to ‘heal perfectly’. I felt that I understood the recipe to healing, but I just kept failing. I kept falling back on harmful negative coping mechanisms that, ultimately, were only prolonging and deepening my suffering.
And despite knowing they would make me feel worse in the long run, I kept turning to them anyways and it felt like self-sabotage. It felt like failure, and weakness. I just couldn’t understand why I kept doing these things that I knew would only hurt me more.
When I wrote the letter to the version of myself in the resort lobby to validate her pain, I validated my own pain as well. And with this, I finally understood the coping mechanisms. I saw that when I didn’t know any other way, they had helped me to survive something overwhelmingly painful and difficult.
So, suddenly, I understood that relying on them wasn’t failing-it was simply struggling. And as much as I struggled, I was still in the fight.
I was surviving.
Surviving Is More Than the Moment
When I looked back on my journey through a lens of compassion and understanding, I saw for the first time that being a survivor wasn’t just about surviving the physical danger of the night-it was about surviving every day since.
It’s about waking up every day and choosing to continue. To continue fighting, no matter how hopeless that feels. To continue forward, even when you’re not sure that you’re strong enough to face the next battle.
All of the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, and the nights I spent crying alone in my room. All of the fear, grief, overwhelming pain and despair, the sheer weight of what happened. It had all been placed on my shoulders, and I absolutely struggled with it. Of course I did, who wouldn’t!?
But through the struggle, I also learned. I grew stronger, more capable, more compassionate with myself. I found adaptability, understanding, and resilience that I never knew I had.
I thought a million times over that this experience would kill me. I thought so many times that the weight of this was too heavy to carry forever. I thought I wasn’t strong enough, that I couldn’t do it. And yet, I survived.
For a long time, my trauma dictated my life and made every single decision for me.
But I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. This title is is a testament to my strength and resilience, and a symbol of how I have reclaimed my life as mine.
What is Survivorship?
The word “survivor” tends to carry a weight that makes people hesitant to use it, especially when their experience doesn’t fit into traditional ideas of survival (like escaping a life-threatening event).
Do You ‘Qualify’ as a Survivor?
If you feel that your trauma wasn’t ‘bad enough’ or that you don’t ‘qualify’, I hope that I can offer you a new perspective.
Some people downplay their trauma because they feel like others have had it worse. This can also be a protective coping mechanism, minimizing and distancing yourself from the pain.
But I’d like to emphasize that there is no trauma olympics. Survivorship isn’t about how ‘bad’ your trauma was compared to someone else’s. If it impacted you, if you had to fight to move forward, if you had to heal-then you are surviving.
At its core, being a survivor means enduring and continuing on after experiencing harm, trauma, or adversity-and whatever that looked like for you, your pain is real and valid.
While there are no guidelines, the title is most often used when:
- The trauma involved violence, abuse, or a significant violation of safety.
- The trauma had a profound emotional or psychological impact that required serious healing.
- There was a sense of endurance, resilience, or overcoming.
Claiming (or Not Claiming) the Title
Choosing to claim the title (or not) is a deeply personal choice. If claiming survivorship feels empowering and reflective of your experience, then it’s yours to claim. For some, the title may never resonate-and that’s valid too.
Survival is not just about what happened to you-it’s about how you continue to fight every day after. You are more than what you’ve been through. You are strong, you are resilient, and you are still here.
That is survival.
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